The Box Settles The Score
by MayFairy
Summary: Over the centuries, the TARDIS has been subject to some serious abuse from a certain evil Time Lord. Now in a human body, she and the Eleventh Doctor arrive on the Valiant so that she can deliver some payback in the form of slapping him across the face.


**Okay, so this is a weird little idea that I came up with a while back, and I only just got the muse to finish it. **

**I hope it isn't really stupid and pointless. **

**Enjoy! (I hope)**

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><p>The Master looked at all the people converging on him, and was thankful when Francine put down the gun. Dying had never been an appealing opinion, and nothing had changed despite defeat coming back to bite him in the behind like a reoccurring rash.<p>

Suddenly, the familiar sound of the TARDIS filled the air, and it materialised on the side of the room.

Everyone watched in confusion as a woman dressed in a long deep green dress stepped out. She had thick dark hair that hung wildly in an untameable manner, and her eyes were strange; intelligent but almost crazed.

She was followed by a young man with floppy hair in a bowtie and suspenders, wearing a tweed jacket over top. He grinned as he looked at the scene.

"Hello, everyone! It's been a while. We're not really supposed to be here, but my sexy thing here has something that needs to be said."

"Oh no, you are, aren't you?" The Tenth Doctor said suddenly, his face scrutinising the younger looking man. "You're me. Well, I'm you. Well, I'm going to be you." He corrected himself.

"Yes, exactly, but don't worry, you've got a while yet!" Eleven said cheerfully.

"I should hope so! I can't say I have any rushed desire to…" Ten trailed off, his eyes clearly showing the sceptical opinion of his successor.

"To what?" Eleven raised an eyebrow.

"You two, you need to wrap this argument up," The woman who had come with the Eleventh Doctor told both incarnations of the Time Lord.

The Master was watching her with narrowed eyes, but said nothing.

"Why?" Both Doctors asked in unison.

"Because in thirty seconds you're not arguing." She replied as though her answer was completely normal.

"How could you possibly know that?" Ten asked her.

"Never mind that right now! No rushed desire to what?" Eleven repeated with a challenge in his tone, seeming to know he would not like the answer.

"Well…" Ten scratched the back of his head. "No rushed desire to lose the tiny bit of fashion sense I managed to gain, if I'm going to be totally honest."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Eleven asked indignantly.

Everyone in the room was completely baffled by there being two Doctor's and watched the two in silence, none of them noticing the glare that the mysterious woman was directing at the Master.

"A bowtie? Seriously? You might as well stick a sign to your head that says 'I'm an idiot that thinks he's a genius'! And that's without even going into the fact they're bad luck! Haven't you learnt anything from the tuxedo?" Ten criticised, and Eleven didn't even blink.

"Bow. Ties. Are. Cool." He said confidently.

"Alright…" Ten backed off. "Each to their own," He muttered.

"Good." Eleven said. "Now, we're here because my sexy friend has a bone to pick."

"Let me guess…" The Master sneered. "Is this bone one of mine? Always is, isn't it?"

The Eleventh Doctor smiled. "Yes, it is."

At the same time, the woman in green began spouting random words again.

"For turning me into a paradox machine." She said simply before frowning. "Oops, nope. Not yet, never mind!" She told herself.

"What did you mean?" The Master asked her.

"It's the reason why." She stared blankly, looking unworried by her irregular speech pattern.

The Master looked sceptical. "Why what?" He sneered.

"Why I slapped you." She said in a childlike manner, her voice vague.

"But you didn't slap me." He said.

She smiled coyly. "Not yet," She purred in a patronising tone.

"How is she doing that?" Ten asked.

"Yeah, because she's confused me too, and it doesn't happen as much as you think!" Jack cut in.

"Perhaps it's time for proper introductions," Eleven suggested.

"Yes, farewells are definitely necessary-" The woman stopped and frowned again. "No, again, it's the other one! Introductions, yes, hello!"

Eleven beamed proudly, and she looked pleased with herself.

"I said it! Goodness, tenses are difficult. Anyway, I'm Sexy." She announced unabashedly, and the Master raised an eyebrow.

"No, no, she means, um, well…" Eleven said, embarrassed, but had no idea what to say.

"Well, I'll second that! Definitely sexy." Jack broke the slightly awkward silence. The woman turned to beam at him but when their eyes met she cringed with disgust.

"Oh no, it's you!" She exclaimed. "I thought I got rid of you!"

"What do you mean?" Jack asked.

"You're a completely fixed point in time, I react to you almost as badly as they-" She pointed in the direction of the three Time Lords, "-react to those silly little white things."

"Wait…you're a Time Lord?" Jack guessed in shock.

"No, that will be silly!" She paused. "No, _would _be silly! Except it _is _silly!" She looked put out, but shoved the thought aside and frowned at Jack again. "I ran all the way to the end of the universe to try and get rid of you, but you felt the need to cling to my doors and ride all the way there!"

"Your doors…" Jack said, and understanding hit him. "No way!"

"Oh yes, Time And Relative Dimension In Space, that's me!" The TARDIS announced with a grin.

"Yes, she's the TARDIS Matrix transferred to a human body. The whole thing is very timey wimey and a bit spacey wacey, and she did die for a while, but we sorted that out." Eleven explained grandly.

"You're my TARDIS?" Ten asked in disbelief.

The TARDIS opened her mouth and the wheezing sound of the materialising TARDIS came out, a very odd thing to watch.

"But anyway, there's no time for doo-lally – you know I believe I was called that once, but they were wrong, I wasn't doo-lally, I was alive!- but I came here with something to say and something to do." The TARDIS strode towards the Master with purpose.

He eyed her with a mixture of wonder – even he couldn't deny that her existence in this form was a fascinating miracle - and contempt, as he would anyone else.

"I have put up with your nonsense for five hundred years!" The TARDIS told the Master crossly. "Do you think it's very pleasant to have a recursive loop of TARDIS' stuck inside my console room? That was all your fault, and don't think I forgot! That was only one of the many times you've exploited me. And now, suddenly, there's this! Well, I think it's about time you realised that this box bites!"

Although there was the option of actually biting him, the TARDIS decided biting was too close to kissing, and the only person she wanted to kiss was the Doctor. However, there was something else she knew she could do instead.

The TARDIS slapped the Master full across the face, leaning him moaning and cradling his face.

"Ow! What was that for?" He asked indignantly, looking incredibly irritated.

"For stealing me from my Doctor, putting a recursive loop of TARDIS' inside me, always trying to kill my Doctor and the rest of the universe, and for being a sadistic maniac intent on owning the universe." The TARDIS replied simply.

She slapped him across the other cheek.

"And that's for turning me into a paradox machine."

The Master glared daggers at her, and everyone else in the room was accumulating slight feelings of happiness and contentment as they watched the man who had made their lives a misery for the last year get bitch-slapped by a box.

"There, I think I'm done, Thief." She turned to Eleven with a broad smile. "Revenge is best served physical."

"Great, because we really should get out of here before we blow a hole in the universe the size of Belgium. Come on, Sexy." He looped his arm around his TARDIS' shoulders and walked her inside the blue box.

Martha sighed.

"Great…first it's Rose, and now he's in love with a box! I give up."

Eleven then reappeared by poking his head out of the door to grin at all the people he knew or used to know, including Ten. "Looks like this is it for now. Say goodbye to the past for me." He told them before ducking back inside the box, which promptly de-materialised.

The group on the Valiant stood staring after it in shock and confusion, until Lucy Saxon picked up a gun and promptly shot the Master, which proved a reasonable distraction for them all.

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><p>Meanwhile, in the police box, the TARDIS was already plotting for her next bout of revenge.<p>

"Next I would like to go to Terra Alpha…" She was saying thoughtfully, "I'll teach them to paint me pink…."

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><p><strong>So hopefully that was actually mildly entertaining...it was just an idea that I couldn't leave alone. <strong>

**Please review and let me know what you think!**

**-MayFairy :)**


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